Pain is Love
by CanadianGirl
Summary: Very dramatic and sad. For RnR fans!!


DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, obviously. :) And I don't make any profit at all from these fics, k? You can stop calling the cops now.  
NOTE: I'm 13 years old, so if this fic sucks, there's a good reason.  
  
  
  
PROLOGUE  
Joey reaches to get Rachel's tissues for her and the box fell out of Ross's coat pocket. He opens it and sees the engagement ring place in the middle.  
"My God."  
"Joey?"  
He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.  
She sees the ring. Her eyes open wide.  
"Oh my God."  
  
  
  
  
  
PAIN IS LOVE  
  
Rachel stared at the ring in Joey's hand. She stared at the way the light reflected off the diamond. She looked into his face and for a moment she saw Ross kneeling there, and in that moment she spoke without thinking. One word that would change their lives forever.  
"Okay."  
Joey was shocked. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. The ring felt warm in his hand, the edge rubbed against his skin and he absentmindedly stroked the rim.  
Thousands of emotions started in his brain and each one struck his heart at full impact.  
"Rachel....I..." he stopped, not knowing what to say next. He knew he had to fix the problem he'd created, but there was a selfish part of him that wanted Rachel to be his and to be his forever. The selfish part beat faster and faster as he realized what had just happened. Joey couldn't bear to look at her. He turned his head and cast his eyes downward, disgusted with himself.  
  
"Rachel...no," he said quietly, "This..this isn't meant to happen. It was an accident! I....I didn't mean..." his eyes filled with tears that he fought to hold back. He looked up at her, his eyes burning.  
"It was an accident."  
  
They heard the door handle wiggle and the sound of air being moved as it swung open. They heard a bouquet of flowers drop to the ground, making a swishing noise as petals, plastic and floor tiles joined together in harmony. And they heard the silence that came after.  
  
Ross stood in the doorway and saw the scene before him. Rachel, the woman he loved, the woman he had come to propose to was sitting upright in her hospital bed, the same bed that she'd recently given birth to their child in.  
His eyes moved across the room to where a man was kneeled, his hand holding a small black box. The man had tears in his eyes. Joey, he realized.  
It took him several moments to understand, for his mind to register what was going on. His eyes searched for Rachel's. They stared at each other, and as she realized the situation, Ross turned on his heels and walked out.  
A single tear began in the corner of her eye and as she watched him leave, it traveled down the curve of her cheek and dangled from her chin before it dropped into the palm of her hand.  
  
***  
  
  
Ross walked to the nursery without thinking. He stood in front of the window completely still. Silent. And suddenly, it hit him.  
Emma slept soundly in her crib as her father wept. He collapsed onto his knees as tears rolled down his cheeks and landed on his shirt. His hands were placed firmly on the floor below him as he vomited.  
  
***  
  
Rachel began to yell as her tears flowed. No words, just sounds of a woman's heart being trampled on. The realization that her entire life and the life of someone else had been ruined in a single moment was too much for her. She blamed no one but herself.  
Joey looked up at her. He stood and walked over to the bed where she sat, squealing and sobbing as the pain ripped through her soul.  
He went to her side and tried to place an arm around her quivering body.  
"GET OFF ME!!!" she yelled. He looked into her eyes and saw the pain, the anger and the utter hatred she had for herself.  
"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!" she shrieked, hiding her face with her trembling hands.   
Joey took a step away from her. He looked down at the ring still in his hand, it twisted and burned his flesh like fire. He recoiled, scared, and threw it on Rachel's bed as he saw it return to it's original form.  
Rachel looked down at the ring as it gleamed in the artificial light. She picked it up and pressed it against her heart.  
  
And as the woman he once loved drowned herself in her own tears, he left, just as fast as he'd entered.  
  
***  
  
Ross sat and watched as the janitor mopped up his mess. His eyes were red and swollen, his face was sticky with dry tears plastered to it, and his heart, by far the most important of all, felt like it had no meaning.  
Joey had sat beside his several minutes ago, but he'd not yet noticed, lost in his thoughts.  
"Ross?"  
He veered his head towards the voice, it seemed distant, far-off.  
"Yeah."  
"It was an accident." he said as Ross's face remained indifferent. "I swear to God, man! You gotta believe me!" Joey's tears had not yet dried. Ross stared at him, blinking slowly.  
"What did she say?"  
"W-what?"  
"What did she say?" His stare was hard, intense.  
"She said....she said "ok"."  
Ross didn't reply. He looked back down to the floor.  
"No, man! She didn't mean it...after you left she burst into tears. She's killing herself in there! Rachel doesn't want me, she wants you! She needs you!", it all came rushing out of his mouth and it now felt dry.  
Ross stood up slowly and stared down at him for a moment, not saying a word as he walked to where his soul mate lay, torturing herself.  
  
***  
Phoebe looked up as Joey entered the hospital's cafeteria. She smiled and waved him over. But before even sat down she could tell something was wrong by the way his head hung.  
"Hey Jo..." she said, looking concerned.  
"Hey Phoebes."   
He looked down at the table and lightly moved his finger along the grain of the wood. She placed her hand on his and inter-laced their fingers.  
He looked at their hands. The different shades of skin mixed together. "Beautiful," he thought to himself.  
Joey looked up into her eyes.  
"Yeah?"  
"Sweetie...what's wrong?".  
He didn't reply. He just kept his eyes locked on hers, hoping that she'd understand. And she did.  
  
Releasing his hand for a moment, Phoebe walked around the table and placed an arm around his shoulders as she led him back to his apartment.  
  
***  
Ross stopped in front of the door leading to Rachel's room. He placed his hand on the door handle and paused as he tried to take control of his emotions. Anger, love, hatred, pain...he couldn't direct them to any sole person but he felt them consume his body. His stomach churned and he thought that he might vomit again. Nonetheless he slowly pushed the door open, and, once again, he just stood.  
  
Rachel was holding onto her knees and rocking gently back and forth, the ring still pressed against her chest. She'd stopped crying, her throat had felt too raw to do anything but weep softly as she wandered through her mind and sifted through her thoughts.  
"Why," she thought, "why did I accept?"  
  
Ross felt no anger towards her. Just a deep sadness. An emptiness, really. Like someone had stuck a long, sharp blade down to the deepest orifices of his heart and had carelessly sliced out the part that loved, leaving tiny bits and pieces attached.  
He walked over to her bed and saw she was shaking. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch her. To hold her in his arms and comfort her.  
"Rachel..." he whispered so quietly that he could barely hear it himself.  
But Rachel heard it, and she flinched, thinking it was Joey, back again. She didn't hate Joey, nor was she angry with him. She knew it had been an accident, and yet, she didn't want to see him.  
  
Looking up, she saw Ross standing there. Burying her face in her hands, shielding herself from his eyes, she turned herself away from him.  
"Go..." she whispered, not wanting him to see her after what she'd done, "I don't deserve...just go."  
  
Ross didn't listen to her feeble demands. Reaching his body across the bed, he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her towards him.  
She fought, attempting to break free of his arms. But he held on, and as he began to cry, she buried her face into the space between his shoulder and neck, giving up.   
She let herself be hugged.  
"I'm sorry, " she whispered, "I'm so sorry."  
  
***  
Arriving at Joey's apartment, they sat down on the couch. With one leg folded under the other, Phoebe placed her hand on his knee and tried to get him to look at her. Failing, she thought of another tactic.  
"Oh my God! Is that a meatball sandwich?!" she shouted, pointing to a random spot behind his back.  
Joey didn't even look up.  
  
Disappointed, Phoebe was beginning to get angry.  
"Joseph Tribianni!" she said loudly, "You tell me right now what's wrong or I'll be forced to hurt you!" She pressed her breasts together with her two hands and then let them flop back to their original position.  
Joey finally looked up and sighed.  
"Alright Phoebes," he said with a smile, "just don't use those babies on me!"  
  
He told her the entire story, from beginning to end. How he'd seen Rachel crying and had gone in to comfort her, how Ross's ring had somehow ended up in his hand, how he'd proposed...And everything after.  
  
Phoebe's mouth hung open for the entire time, her eyes wide. She'd been expecting him to say that he'd been rejected by a woman or something along those lines. For a second she'd even hoped that it would have been about her...maybe even that he was in love with her. But that was just a fantasy.  
"Joey?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Do you....are you still in love with her?"  
He gazed into her eyes. He'd always loved the way her eyes glistened when she spoke.  
"No." he answered quietly.  
  
His heart had changed that day. He'd known early on that Ross and Rachel were meant to be together, but during the few seconds that Ross had been standing in the doorway, their eyes focused on each other as he kneeled in the background, he knew. Rachel would never love him.  
And as Phoebe wrapped her arms around his neck, he didn't really mind.  
  
***  
Ross had climbed onto Rachel's bed with her because the metal guard rail that kept patients from falling off had been digging into his side.  
They continued to hold on to each other, neither of them wanting to let go.  
"Ross....I...." she began. He stopped her as he gently pushed her away, allowing his arms to drop.  
"Why are you being so hard on yourself? Don't treat yourself this way.."  
"Ross....we just had a baby together and...and I accepted the proposal of a man I don't even love." Her head hung down as she stared at the lines on her hands.  
"Why?" he couldn't think of anything else to say and in reality he did want to know.   
"Well...he kneeled down to get me some tissues and when he turned around he was holding a ring. I don't know why Ross," she looked at him, "but for a second I saw you kneeling there."  
  
Ross nodded his head slowly. He understood.  
"Like when I said your name instead of Emily's." They both smiled slightly, remembering the incident. Suddenly, though, his face became more serious.  
"I must have imagined the person I really loved in front of me."  
There was a pause for a second as their eyes met.  
"Yeah...me too."  
  
And as they smiled at each other, tears reemerging in their eyes, they knew that in some way they'd just said "I love you" for the first time in six years.  
  
  
Please read and review!/b 


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